“You know nothing Jon Snow.” As the band of
Wildling Freefolk scouts trudge through the mountains toward Castle Black, Jon continues to do his Donnie Brasco thing. He listens as they give him graphic instructions on sex, and is confronted by a jealous Warg–the one who cut his line on the Wall. He also comes to realize that Ygritte is both a bumpkin and a woman unlike what he’s used to. She thinks a windmill is a palace, is befuddled by coordinated military formations and doesn’t know the first thing about “lady-like” acts such as “swooning.” It’s all touching to Jon, but also troubling. And he reveals to her a bitter truth–the Freefolk may be numerous, but they have none of the discipline of a trained army. Their invasion is doomed to fail.
Robb, the King of the North, and not-Jeyne-Westerling sit with the rest of the Stark and Tully clan planning to meet with House Frey regarding the upcoming wedding–part of a plan to win back the Freys to their side. Edmure is glumly resigned to it. The Blackfish speaks derisively of offending the Freys. And Robb is just ready to get the whole thing over with. The only one who seems to be wary is Catelyn. But bah…what does she know? Oh yeah, not-Jeyne-Westerling is carrying a young wolf-prince.
At King’s Landing, Sansa talks apprehensively to Margaery about her upcoming marriage to Tyrion, for the first time seeming to realize that her fairytale dreams of castles and princes were just that–fairy tales. Sansa also realizes she’ll have to actually have S-E-X with Tyrion, to which Margaery replies she should make the best of her circumstances. Tyrion and everybody’s favorite sell sword Bronn meanwhile speak on Sansa. Tyrion is both disturbed by Sansa’s young age (though Bronn don’t seem to mind), and worried about what Shae will think. He decides to try and give Shae a gift of jewelry, to help her accept her diminished status as his main-mistress-on-the-side. It doesn’t go well. Meanwhile, the Monster Joffrey tries to put his grandfather He-Who-Shits-Gold in his place while sitting on the Iron Throne. Tywin let’s him know exactly who’s in charge; don’t let the titles fool you. When Joffrey asks about the rumors of Daenerys and her dragons across the sea, Tywin pretty much tells him to chill-the-hell-out and let grown folks work. Basics!
Speaking of lands across the sea, the Khalessi arrives outside the yellow city of Yunkai. When her adviser “Old Bear” warns that there is no real need to try and take the fortified city, she goes full John Brown and in reference to the enslaved in the city says there are “200,000 reasons.” She demands an audience with a Yunkai lord to make terms. He arrives with a full retinue of slaves, eyeing the Unsullied warily. Daeneyrs receives him like a
queen BAWSE, seated regally and surrounded by her menacing dragons–casually throwing them chunks of meat to show their fierceness. The nervous but defiant Yunkish lord offers her chests of gold, and even ships–asking that she sail away and leave this land, returning to Westeros.
It’s a moment of truth for the young Targaryen, as here finally is the wealth and resources she needs to take back the Iron Throne and the Seven Kingdoms. However, the inner abolitionist wins out, and she instead demands that the rulers and “wise masters” of Yunkai free all their slaves and give them REPARATIONS no less–or she’ll take the city by force, and have their heads. The lord, getting some backbone, declares that she’s mad, and that Yunkai ain’t Quarth or Astapor. They will defeat her Unsullied, enslave any who follower her–perhaps even enslave her. Drogon does not react well to the threat. Dany dismisses the angry Yunkish lord. And keeps his gold. Because she’s gangsta.
Back in Westeros, Melisandre and Gendry pass King’s Landing, sailing above the sunken wrecks from the Battle of the Blackwater. The Red Priestess reveals to him his royal birth (thank God someone finally did!) and points out he has some very valuable king’s blood… be afraid dude. She got the crazy eyes. Elsewhere, Arya ain’t too happy with the Brotherhood Without Banners. As they go on about their Lord of Light, she declares her god is “Death”–a wonderful allusion to the Many Faced God. When the Brotherhood leaves to harass a Lannister raiding party rather than get her swiftly to Riverrun, Arya has had it. She flees from them–only to be captured by The Hound. Oh nos!
Theon continues to be tortured in new and unique ways. This time he awakes to find himself tended by two tempting women. Expect some Sexposition in 3, 2, 1. In the midst of the threesome, that annoying horn blows and his torturer shows up–threatening a castration. Yikes! Out in the outback, Osha is not happy with Jojen Reed filling Bran’s head with talk of three-eyed crows and foretelling–and what seems the very bad idea of going beyond the Wall. She tells Bran he must go to Castle Black to find his brother, not chasing dreams, and relates the story of how her husband became a Wight. She warns, they don’t know what’s out there.
At Harrenhal, Jaime accepts Brienne’s oath to return the Stark girls to their mother once he reaches King’s Landing. Upon his leaving, he’s taunted by Locke–the guy who chopped off his hand. Jaime later learns that, in part due to his lie of Tarth being on an isle of sapphires, Brienne is going to be…terribly manhandled, or rather bear-handled. He manages to get his escort to return him back to Harrenhal, just in time to find Brienne. She’s been thrown into a pit with a wooden sword, still dressed in her Lady’s gown. And she’s being made to fight a bear. A very angry bear. Jaime, risking his own life, jumps into the pit to save her. In a harrowing scene, they manage to make it out–and Jaime leaves with Brienne in his charge.
Not bad, for a guy who once threw a kid out a window.
Yeah. Remember that? When he threw that kid out of that window? Because the kid saw him having sex with his sister? And now the kid can’t ever walk again? Yeah….